after three months...(part2)

It's really funny how history tends to repeat itself, especially if you have not learned the lesson...

6 years ago, I wrote an entry titled "after 3 months...". I wrote the entry after breaking up with my boyfriend back then.  It said some details about how I felt after the breakup, and somehow, after 3 months, I appreciated the lessons and was actually looking forward to life again. I can't believe I'm in the same boat. Again.  Different person, almost the same experience.

It's almost 3 months since we parted ways.  I thought this would be easy (having been in a similar situation before), but boy, oh boy, this one's pretty hard.  I guess I can't rush myself from getting over you, especially since we had been together for 6 years. Our life was pretty much planned out: we are going to save up and get married, find a place where we can live, apply for jobs abroad so that we can save up some more, have kids, and live happily ever after.  But all plans flew out the window when we broke up 3 months ago.

It is a lot harder this time because I still love you, and I am so used to being with you.  We both got hurt, and maybe we are not taking care of the relationship that much that's why there was a falling out.  I still want to fix things (even though I was the one who broke it off at first), but I guess you were tired of the constant fights that you decided to give up.  This is a really hard time for me, I am not used to texting and contacting you first after fights.  I had to be patient and try not to think of my pride when I talk to you.  I risk being ignored for the hopes that you will talk to me, and want me back.  I guess it's working somehow, because we are talking again, trying to bring back the sweetness that we used to have.

I realized, that after three months, something has changed for me.  I know I still want you back, but now I am afraid.  I don't know how to be in a relationship with you, it's been a while for me.  There are times when I feel awkward talking to you, and you are someone I know for 6 years.  Distancing yourself from me really hurts me, and now, I feel my wall building because of the hurt. I am happy when I talk you, but somehow, I also feel sad, and hurt. I don't know, I must be crazy.

Hay. For now, I will talk to you. I will try not think about the hurt it brings whenever I do. I know that in a few more months (or maybe years), I will be ok. I just need a little more time. I hope you'll be ok too. :)

(sorry my post is confusing, my brain is a little muddled.. just wanted to get this off my chest)