Surprise, it's 2024!

 Hi, it's me.

It's been a while. It's been 8 years since I have last posted.

Sorry, I have been away. Life happened. And it happened some more. But I guess, some things don't change. I am still as lost and confused as before.

A lot of people see me as someone who got everything together, very much composed and calm. They don't see the inner turmoil, and how I have to think fast so it does not show. I hate being weak, I hate being vulnerable, I hate being a burden.

I usually end this blog when I am in a spot, when I want to make sense of things. When I want to just write, and let it out. Please don't judge me, I just want to be heard and make sense of things.

If I gather enough courage, I'll write down what bothers me. I hope I will be strong. I need all the positive juju I can get. 2024 has been so rough, I pray that 2025 is my year.

Please, Universe, I want to manifest it. Not just for me, but for the people I love.

Nagpapakamakata. Hakuna matata.

Para makita ka,
Ilang dagat ang dapat sisirin?
Ilang bundok pa ang dapat akyatin?
Ngunit kahit ano'ng sisid at akyat ko,
Alam kong hindi kita matatagpuan.

Ang alam ko, nandoon ka sa lugar kung saan kita iniwan.
Iyon ang sinabi mong pinanghawakan ko.
Bumalik ako, di kita mahanap.
At alam ko na kahit ano'ng gawin ko,
Di na kita matatagpuan.

Imbes na sumisid sa dagat,
At umakyat ng bundok,
Palalayain na lamang kita.
Ihihinga ko na lamang ang iyong pangalan,
Hangga't mawala ka sa aking sistema.

Unang hinga. Nandyan ka pa?
Pangalawang hinga. Nandyan ka pa?
Pangatlong hinga. Nandyan ka pa?
Umabot sa ika-isang daang hinga. Hay.
Marami-rami pa 'to.

It Must Have Been Love

I have been feeling down this week. Found a song that spoke to me, It must Have Been Love by Roxette.

It Must Have Been Love

Lay a whisper on my pillow,
leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely,
there's air of silence in the bedroom
and all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It must have been good but I lost it somehow.
It must have been love but it's over now.
From the moment we touched, 'til the time had run out.

Make-believing we're together that I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in and outside I've turned to water like a teardrop in your palm.
And it's a hard winters day, I dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It's all that I wanted, now I'm living without.
It must have been love but it's over now,
it's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows.

I can't wait for Friday. I wonder how that is going to be. Please Universe, send some happy thoughts my way.

after three months...(part2)

It's really funny how history tends to repeat itself, especially if you have not learned the lesson...

6 years ago, I wrote an entry titled "after 3 months...". I wrote the entry after breaking up with my boyfriend back then.  It said some details about how I felt after the breakup, and somehow, after 3 months, I appreciated the lessons and was actually looking forward to life again. I can't believe I'm in the same boat. Again.  Different person, almost the same experience.

It's almost 3 months since we parted ways.  I thought this would be easy (having been in a similar situation before), but boy, oh boy, this one's pretty hard.  I guess I can't rush myself from getting over you, especially since we had been together for 6 years. Our life was pretty much planned out: we are going to save up and get married, find a place where we can live, apply for jobs abroad so that we can save up some more, have kids, and live happily ever after.  But all plans flew out the window when we broke up 3 months ago.

It is a lot harder this time because I still love you, and I am so used to being with you.  We both got hurt, and maybe we are not taking care of the relationship that much that's why there was a falling out.  I still want to fix things (even though I was the one who broke it off at first), but I guess you were tired of the constant fights that you decided to give up.  This is a really hard time for me, I am not used to texting and contacting you first after fights.  I had to be patient and try not to think of my pride when I talk to you.  I risk being ignored for the hopes that you will talk to me, and want me back.  I guess it's working somehow, because we are talking again, trying to bring back the sweetness that we used to have.

I realized, that after three months, something has changed for me.  I know I still want you back, but now I am afraid.  I don't know how to be in a relationship with you, it's been a while for me.  There are times when I feel awkward talking to you, and you are someone I know for 6 years.  Distancing yourself from me really hurts me, and now, I feel my wall building because of the hurt. I am happy when I talk you, but somehow, I also feel sad, and hurt. I don't know, I must be crazy.

Hay. For now, I will talk to you. I will try not think about the hurt it brings whenever I do. I know that in a few more months (or maybe years), I will be ok. I just need a little more time. I hope you'll be ok too. :)

(sorry my post is confusing, my brain is a little muddled.. just wanted to get this off my chest)

After 2 years, I'm back!

Hello, I am back!  And I am really happy to be here, again.

I actually had trouble looking for this site.  Haha, I forgot my URL already.  After searching online on how I can recover it, I also did not think that my blog would still exist after 2 years of inactivity. But yey, here I am, writing a fresh entry!  During the 2 years, I feel sad that I was not able to write more about my life.  It would have been wonderful to document certain aspects of it (especially to answer the questions I posted last time).  I can say that despite the uncertainties, I am ok.  Could be better, but definitely, life treated me ok. :)

I hope that this comeback will be more permanent.  I believe that was able to do a lot of things, and  I would like to document the things I do so that I have a virtual reminder of those experiences. :)  I will try to be more active this time.  Bring it on, Life, and I will be here, writing all about it. :)

it's been a while...

it's been a while since I last posted here.

lately I have been feeling.. rather sad. Well, i could say a little lost and confused too. In a few months, I'll be 30. And for girls out there, that can mean a lot of things. Thinking about it makes me want to crawl under a rock and just let the moment pass. I never imagine I would be the type of person who would panic because of my age, but, i am panicking. I have so many concerns!! Here are some of them:

1. Where will life take me? What will happen if my career does not take off as I want it to? When will I have the courage to move out of here?
2. When will I get married? I'm sure I'm not ready financially, but I do want to settle down. and hopefully by next year.
3. How come i don't have any assets to my name yet? I know I need to save up for the future, but how come I am not doing that??

There are lots more, but those are the questions plaguing my mind right now. I pray to God that He shows me the path I need to take in order to make all my dreams come true. I just have to believe that He has plans for me, and that those plans will be laid out. Soon.

summer time!

it's summer time once again.

frankly, i don't like summer that much. since i'm not a student anymore, i'm not looking forward to 2 months off from school anymore. it's so hot that even when you're not doing anything you're still sweating. we dont go out that much during summers because my parents are so busy also (besides, i think it was lack of funds too).

but this year, am so looking forward to it. it's because we're going swimming! im really excited, because we rarely go out of the city. we already went to white rock beach in subic 2 weeks ago, and this saturday we'll go to punta fuego. can't wait!